Coming Apart at the Seams

“ We feel vulnerable and raw, unable to feel truly safe with our invisible garments. Why is this happening? It happens when the core of who we are, our identity and what we love are threatened.”

At the DMV this morning, I had some time to reflect on my musings and why I haven’t been able to write one recently. Last month, I didn’t turn one in for the first time and this month’s musing is already running late. Writer’s block? Burn out? Lack of inspiration?

The truth is, I’ve started many musings since July but I couldn’t maintain the momentum because I felt things were happening so fast and furious that when I had time to continue, edit or craft my writing, it no longer felt relevant. Big aha moments, deep reflections and urgent thoughts I wanted to share became stale and lifeless after only a few days as something new and more urgent came to the forefront. Things have been happening like this for many weeks and judging from what my patients have to tell me and what I am observing in the world, I’m not alone.

It feels we are collectively coming apart at the seams. As I pondered the ramifications of this, I realized that what is coming apart are the seams of the emperor’s new clothes. We can take this in a straightforward way, as in the emperor of our nation and his lies and false promises. But broader and deeper than that, our collective and personal garments, the ones we put on and rely for safety and protection, the ones that make us feel important or special, the ones that become our identity, are coming apart at the seams. We feel vulnerable and raw, unable to feel truly safe with our invisible garments.

Why is this happening? It happens when the core of who we are, our identity and what we love are threatened. It happens when we are forced to consider losing what we have. It happens in intense times, be it politically, environmentally, globally or personally. It’s happening on many fronts for most of us. The urgency of situations, as in war time, requires we live in the present moment and discard any notions superfluous to the moment and survival. Burnout is when all that feels overwhelming and the notion of so much sacrifice sends us into paralysis and hiding.

And that is why I have not been in the mood to muse. No time to craft and develop a thought to the expectation I have set for myself. Those expectations are parts of my invisible garment. And rather than showing up naked, I withheld. The interesting thing about an emperor’s garment coming apart at the seams is that it doesn’t really matter. The garment doesn’t exist.

At the DMV of all places -not Portugal or New Mexico- I became determined to show up just as I am. Today that is some amalgamation of so many things. A sudden gratitude for this unexpected gift of time for reflection, a feeling of joy and re-connection through words with you all - my community,  gratitude for my eldest child (whose birthday is today!) who often points out my invisible garments, the acceptance of my humanness, a feeling of breakthrough, a stack of work and personal tasks piled up before me that are not invisible, and a true vulnerability where fear and aliveness and gratitude come together. What happens when we are naked. We are alive and innocent.

 In Health and Community, 

The Space to Heal is Here

“We have the internal space to heal. We only need to be willing to let go of some of the discordant clutter and noise of our minds. ”

Healing requires space. As we plow through day to day life, we dream about finding a time when there will be space to heal, rejuvenate and refuel. Some of us are holding off until the weekend, while for others the breaks are fewer and farther in between. When we can’t find that space in time, we fall sick.Then we are forced to have some bed rest, some space, some time to heal. Sometimes it is just a few days we are in bed, sometimes it is much longer than that.  

We think of space as if it were a far off destination or something we create. But really, space is ever present and everywhere. A room crammed full of stuff doesn’t have less space than an empty room, It just has more stuff in it. We are not creating space when we take stuff out, the space is already there. There is nothing but space.  

Inside us is space as well. Like our external space, our internal space can become crowded with stuff that might impede our ability to move around and do things efficiently. Our internal space becomes more and more crowded with thoughts, beliefs and judgments that keep us from healing, movement and growth. Much like a hoarder who crowds his life with material things because he fears he may someday need them for survival and well-being, we hoard and crowd ourselves with unnecessary beliefs and judgments.

“Should” thoughts and “can’t” thoughts and “have to” thoughts and “never/ always” thoughts are dis-empowering and create impossible conditions for our healing, depleting us of our energy. Thoughts like “I will never have enough time, space or resources to fulfill my needs.” Or thoughts like “the only way to feel better is to have or do x, y and z” set us up for failure time and again. These thoughts crowd our internal space and become externalized in the form of judgments of others and the world.

We have the internal space to heal. We only need to be willing to let go of some of the discordant clutter and noise of our minds. We need to trust and accept ourselves enough to let go of the stockpile of unnecessary thought weapons and defenses that are weighing us down every day, every moment. This acceptance in and of itself creates space and expansion. A spacious and trusting internal world can positively affect both internal and external environments in subtle and miraculous ways. De-clutter some outdated thoughts right now. Replace them with: I have the space to heal, I have the capacity to heal, this very moment.

In Health and Community,

You are Infinitely More than You Think

“It is time to pay some attention to what is Sacred inside your own self. Everything else, comes and goes.”

— Mooji

For my 45th birthday, I gifted myself a pilgrimage to Andalusia Portugal, known as “the place where nothing happens,” for a silent retreat with a spiritual teacher whose teachings have been close to my heart. Known affectionately as Mooji Baba, he points to what he calls the true Self or pure Awareness in which we all unknowingly reside. This in contrast to the personal ego that most of us identify with and experience our lives through. Eight years ago I stumbled upon him on YouTube while researching another dear spiritual leader, Ramana Maharshi. From the first time I heard Mooji, I was captivated by his mixture of direct, no-nonsense teaching and surprising humor. Laughter and Truth have always been my saving graces.

At the start of the retreat, Mooji led us through a meditation asking us to leave behind everything that we think we are--our stories, our thoughts, our roles, our doubts, our judgments, our attachments, our aversions, our opinions--and to sit with what remained, Presence--the only thing impossible to leave behind. That Presence, he said, is You. Presence is Eternal. It is Divine. It is Love. And that, is You. The personality that you filter and create your life experience through is not only narrow, but is unreal. It is only real because you believe it and hold on to it.

 From the first pointing, I was stunned by the radical truth of what Mooji was saying. Everything inside me acknowledged its truth, but I felt a paralysis inside. The implications of this truth shook my universe to its core. How could this be true? For the next few days, I held steadfast to Mooji’s words. I went for long walks and asked, is this true? Is it true that I am Eternal? Is it true that there’s nothing to fear? Is it true that we are One? Is it true that all is Love? Is it true that Joy is everpresent? Is it true all those things the Holy Books speak of, the drunken mystics and their flights of poetry and dance, the eternal wisdom of the sages? Is it true true? And as my heart melted over the course of the days, all around me answered yes.

One warm afternoon, filled with profound peace and stillness, I looked into the vast blue sky. I watched the shape shifting clouds above me and and followed the occasional crane caressing the sky with its open wingspan like an inviting embrace. All around me, everything was alive. The leaves in the trees rustled yes and the birds called out yes and the wind whispered yes and the sun radiated yes and the silence said, Yes Yes Yes.

That night, walking down the dirt path back to my cabin, I stood mesmerized by the eternity of stars in the night sky. After staring for awhile into the endless darkness, I closed my eyes. Inside myself I also found an endless darkness of eternity. And suddenly, the truth flashed through me. The only thing interrupting eternity out there, and eternity in here is me. And with that my insistent questioning stopped and I heard my own heart say Yes. And everything fell quiet.

Love, Truth, and Laughter,